a terrible sad day for me

i miss my children. i miss my sons. i miss them all the time. there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t think about them and wish i could touch them or talk to them like i used to. most days i can handle it. i have lots of stuff to keep me busy, but then there are terrible sad days like this one. i can’t even call them, because i don’t want to be crying all over them but there is no way i could get through a conversation with them without crying. i haven’t seen them for 3 months. and i won’t get to see them again until thanksgiving. i know it was my choice to move so far away, but i just didn’t realize it would be so hard. well, that’s not exactly right – i did know it would be hard, i just really thought i was going to get to see them this summer – have them here for a few months before we had to do so much time apart.

how do people do this? how do they stay so far away and not go crazy? i am so afraid that by the time i get to see them again, i won’t even recognize them – 7 months in the life of a teenage boy is a long time – lots of things happen. i hate my ex-husband for dragging me off to vegas – to a place i hate, can’t stand and don’t want to live. if he hadn’t done that i would not have have to make the decision to move so far away from my kids. and he said he would help with plane tickets, but funny thing, when it came time to buy them – he was broke. fucker! i also know that if he hadn’t drug me to vegas, i might not have met don and then where would i be? this just sucks. it just sucks and sucks and sucks.

the end of a dream

I got a job. I am so excited about it. I will be working in the property management field again. Leasing units at an Active Senior Living community. A manager’s position will be coming up on the property in a month or two and I am believing for that postion / promotion.

The thing about it is that I find myself with very litte time left over and as much as I love web site design and marketing, I am starting to think maybe it isn’t the best use of my extra time. I find myself procrastinating the work on the sites I have and I don’t want to frustrate people by not doing the updates in a timely fashion. Thing is that all the sites I have right now, are sites I have been donating my time too, so it is free service. I think, “well, what if they were paying me – would I still be procrastinating?” I think I would. I just find myself not wanting to do it anymore. It’s weird, the end of a dream. But, dang – I’ve been trying to get this ball rolling for over 5 years and not much has come of it – maybe it is time to call the end of the dream.I feel bad but don’t want to do a bad job, even if the service is free. I can’t wait to start my new job on Monday.

I love property management and I know I am going to love this job. I don’t think there will be much time for anything else. It’s sad but kind of a relief at the same time. It could be a permenant cessation or possibly something else will come up in the future and breathe new life into it.

Well I have to do the dinner thing. I know this was kind of a ramble, but just thought I had to put into words a hard, sad decision.

It’s been a while. I wonder if I still have any readers? Talk about a topsy-turvy couple of months… simply nuts. So we made the move – sane, intact and still married (there at the end, I wasn’t sure if we were gonna accomplish that last one) but we did. My grandparents had a place all set up for us, separate from the main house which is nice and affords us a great deal of privacy. TJ is here, so now we have three of the five kids and hopefully – if all goes according to plan – Damon and Tyler will be here August 1. That is by far and away the longest time I have ever been away from them and I miss them like crazy.

Within the first seven days of being here Don and I both had jobs – yah us and good paying  jobs at that. On the bummer side of that – he hated his and mine was only a temporary thing for 30 days. So the end of May comes along and my job ends and for  whatever reason, I have been unable to find a secure job to go to. However, in the meantime, Don has been promoted twice at his job and is now the store manager pulling down a very decent salary and much happier at work. Awesome, right? Yes it is. But summer is upon us. Kids are out of school and we have one vehicle. Which means I am here, living with my family, trapped – b/c Don needs the car for work and trying to entertain and control three bored, hot kids. YA fun! I really think all of that will be better when we get our place in four weeks and attain a second car (who knows when?) Until then, I am trying to get my website design and marketing thing off the ground, since it seems that there are just not very many people doing it here and trying to maintain my sanity.

I so enjoy being around my grandparents so much and we got to see my brother for the first time in like 3 years. They live in Dallas so it is a little bit of a drive but definitely something we can do often and we see my parents at least once a week. My kids are beginning to know what it means to have family close by. I am loving it.

I was very surprised to find that I miss Havasu. I thought for sure I would only miss the people, but I miss the town and as much as I love being home, I wish the money would have stayed good there. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret my move. I love being home. I just found I missed another town I called home too. Not enough to even think of moving again, but Havasu, you are missed all the same.

Well, it’s time to clean my little living space and get ready for another day of trying not to tie my children up by their toes. 🙂 The money is good, the opportunities plentiful and the weather awesome. Our bills are getting paid, our children know their families and I am home. And it only gets better from here.

I am just antsy to get on with the next steps of moving into our own place and beginning to make our new life. I’m off to sleep. I’ll blog again soon – sooner than the last time – promise 🙂 Good night.

tempered excitement

We are getting closer and closer to leaving. Just one more day in Havasu. I am experiencing a tempered excitement over it though because tomorrow I am driving to Vegas to say good bye to Damon and Tyler. Damon seems to be handling all this really well but Tyler is really really really sad. He was almost crying today on the phone. It is going to break my heart, I just know it. And better than that, I am pms’ing and so I am really emotional. I know we are going to see them in just a couple of months, but it is going to be so hard to be away from them. I wish there was another way. I think I will selfishly wish that Las Vegas dries up and falls off the planet, then their dad would go home to Texas too. Then we could all be together again. Don calls these kinds of thoughts the bad place LOL. Maybe so, but they’re my babies – of course it will hurt to be away from them.

I am already tearing up, this is going to suck. Please say a quick prayer for us.

faith rewarded

My mom called this morning. She had digested my optimism from our call last night and spoken with my grandmother who is also very optomistic about this move. She grilled me over the car, our belongings, are we sure and made sure to add that she thinks it’s all a bad idea. Then she told us to use the credit card for gas and food and that she would see us in a week.

A way made, a prayer answered. Faith rewarded by a good God. Now we are only $200 away – just need to find the finances to ship our stuff and we are on our way.

The Irresponsible Daughter

My father’s daughter? Really? The irresponsible daughter? Sometimes I wonder why it is  so bad to be the whimsical, determined, hopeful, by the seat of my pants daughter that I am? Really, what is wrong with that. Is it so wrong to pick up and do something different, even it is a little risky and a little scary? To be excited by the prospect of doing just such a thing?

I am determined. I know without a doubt that we have learned so much over the last couple of years, that we are different with our money than we were and all we need is a chance for a change. We are only $600 away from having everything we need to go and start over again. My family thinks we are running away and that we will find ourselves in the same situation there but I know better. I know the opportunity is better there. I know we can make a difference. I know it will be better there. There is work there. We have family and friends there.

I think it’s wonderful that I can make decisions quickly and with determination. That I can think things through quickly and that I don’t live with regrets in my life. I love that no matter what the results are to my decisions, I will make the best of them. Not every decision can be made with a no-risk guarantee. I think it is exciting to think of starting over, of starting with nothing and building it again. I did it in Vegas. We moved there with less than we are leaving here with and lived in a 433 sq ft apartment in the beginning. When we divorced we lived in a big three bedroom house, had two cars, had bought or accumulated a houseful of furniture and electronics. We had good jobs and a savings account. If the recession had not hit this town so hard or if Don and I had recession proof jobs (which we don’t) then we wouldn’t be where we are now either. It has been a hard two years and a lot of lessons learned the hard way, but we know how not to make them again – it’s just the options here are too limited. We have to go somewhere where there are options, room for growth, more opportunity. All we have to do is get there.

I think when we start over now, we are prepared to make good decisions and manage our money well. Certainly we won’t be sitting around collecting unemployment because we got laid off – we are taking charge of this shitty economy and making the best of it in the best place.

I’m not sitting around here waiting to be out of money and out of job with no car and no place to live – NO THANK YOU! I am taking control of my life and making it better than ever. I am depending on God to make this happen. One avenue closed – that’s ok, another way will come. I am believing, I am trusting God for my answer and the way to be made.

We are leaving for Texas Monday morning at 3 a.m. We will have the money. The car will make it. It is our new beginning and NO ONE can take that away from us. Please take a moment and belive with me for our new beginning and the finances we need to get to it.  I believe it is called optimism and I am up to my eyeballs in it.

moving sucks

I hate moving. I hate packing, organizing, cleaning out. I hate moving. I am tired down to my bones. Does anyone have a magic wand I could borrow for a minute???? I hate moving.

writing to relieve stress

So it is decided. We are moving to Texas, going home finally after 13 years. I am so excited. We had an awesome trip last week and the area really is doing well despite the economy. Don has a job and two interviews to go back to next week and I have two interviews set up for property management jobs. I am so stoked to be going home.

I wish it were easier getting there though. We looked into so many options for getting us and our stuff back to Texas and decided the best course of action for us would be to sell our big stuff (two tv’s, the bed, the freezer) and to give away a bunch of misc. stuff so that we are only moving the most important stuff. We are going to load what we can in the Camry and put the rest of the stuff on a pallet, shrink wrap it, and freight it to Texas (most cost-effective way to get what little possessions to Texas). Before we leave we have to put a new battery in the Camry (done) and new windshield wipers (done) and new tires – at least three, and an oil change, and have the money for food and gas for the trip and maybe some food for when we get there, and pay for the freighting of our stuff. Notice the last few are not marked as done… that is where the stress comes in. I would feel so much better if we had the money in the bank to just take care of these things but we don’t. So we are just waiting for our big stuff to sell so that we have the money to make the trip.

I am trusting God that he will make the trip possible. I really believe that our future is in Texas and that it is where we are supposed to be, so I will keep packing, keep giving stuff away and believe that we will sell the big stuff and we will make it safely home.

I am tired. Just whipped exhausted and I get to get up and do it all over again tomorrow. Thanks for letting me ramble. I feel better.

My least favorite day of the year…

Blogging on April 1, about my least favorite day of the year – anyone wanna guess what it is??? Yep – I hate April Fool’s Day. I am not a fan of the practical joke and I tend to be pretty gullible so this day just sucks for me. 

The worst April Fool’s Day was four years ago (now, my story pales in comparison to my friend and co-worker, Jayne’s April 1 wedding proposal – but I’ll share anyway.) We have some friends here in Havasu, Ray and Cherish. They are our best friends and we have been friends with them almost the entire time we have lived here. 

They moved about two years ago out of state but this happened while they were here. One of my favorite things about them is that they are in love with each other and make a great couple. So April Fools Day four years ago, my husband calls me up while I was driving somewhere and tells me that Cherish just stormed into Cowboys (where both my husband and Ray worked) and slapped Ray and started a huge argument in front of everyone and that it came out in this argument that Ray was cheating on Cherish. I seriously teared up when I heard this because I have so much respect for Ray as a husband and if ever there was a man going to cheat on his wife – it was just NOT going to be him. And then as quick as I had that thought, I thought – oh no, Cherish must be heartbroken and pissed – and she is a pistol when she’s just being herself so – seriously – get out of her way when she is pissed. 

So as the thoughts are bouncing around in my head, the denial starts coming out of my mouth – no way would Ray do that, there must be a mistake and (because it doesn’t take much to get the tears flowing) I started to cry. Finally the tears brought the confession from Don that it was all a big HAHA funny joke – yeah well – whatever. I didn’t think it was so funny.

 

The very next year they told me Ray got put in jail the night before for DUI. After some our nights out on the town – this result wouldn’t be much of a surprise but NO WAY was I falling for it. So I just didn’t. Then they talked Cherish into playing and had her call me to see if she could borrow $200 to make bail to get Ray out. I thought with the whole sisterhood best girl friend code – that it must be true, since she called me. But yeah – no it was just a big HAHA funny practical joke.

It was a couple of months later that they moved away to Missouri. At the end of the following March, rumors started that they were moving back April 1. Yeah right, I didn’t believe it at all. Then I was working at Chili’s that night and Don shows up for dinner with both of them in tow and sure enough they did move back (not for long – but they did come back for a little bit) So the only one I didn’t fall for was the only one that wasn’t a HAHA funny practical joke.

Just my very least favorite day of the year. April Fool’s Day – I could certainly live a happier life if someone eradicated this nuisance day from the calendar.

blessings in disguise

When Don and I decided to move to Havasu from Vegas six years ago, it came at a price. We both have kids with previous partners who remained in Vegas. So since we were the ones who moved away, it was our responsibility to do most of the driving to be sure the ex’s got their fair share of time with kids. Over the years it evolved from us driving to vegas to drop off the kids every Friday and then back to Vegas to pick them up every Sunday, to meeting my ex half way on Fridays and driving all the way to Vegas on Sundays to what it is now where we meet my Don’s ex half way on Fridays and my ex half way on Sundays. I used to dread this drive – it’s 6 hours round trip if we go all the way in to Vegas and 3 hours round trip if we go half way. What I have come to learn is that even this dreadful trip is a blessing in disguise.

When we first moved Damon was 9, Tyler was 7, and TJ was 3. As they have gotten older I find that we spend the 3 or 6 hours of drive time talking about everything from what they did in school to what video games they are playing or books they are reading to what girls they have a crush on and when they should start dating. Conversations have been about God, religion, sex, drugs, families and everything in between. I realized the other day that I might be making that trip for the last time (with the possibility of us moving to Texas) and I was actually saddened by that. There is no other time in our day that my kids and I talk like we do on that drive.

As often as I cursed having to make it, it may have been one of the best things to happen to me and my kids. I believe we are much closer and that I have been able to transfer many of the lessons of life to them that I wanted to on that drive. As much as I was looking forward to being free of it, I must say I will truly miss the constant chatter of my children and can only hope that we can find another way to keep those lines of honest communication open as we go through the door of this change in all of our lives.

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