oh boy… accountability

So a few weeks ago, the editor (my boss) is doling out stories to all the reporters for an up and coming special section of the newspaper, Healthy Living. We are all tossing around story ideas and figuring out who is going to write what. Someone says, “Well what’s the new hot Hollywood diet? Maybe we could do something on that.” As an overweighter, this irked me b/c I know that those diets don’t work – they’re just garbage preying on the desperation of the overweighters. So I say something about doing a story on slow and steady weight loss, lifestyle changes – something that does work – next thing I know the editor says, “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea. Why don’t you write about what you’ve been doing.”

UMMMM ok, not what I had in mind, but I love to write and sure, ok, why not???? So I wrote the story. It got tweaked and the edges smoothed a little and viola it was published yesterday. At the end of the story, I invited readers to follow my journey to its eventual successful ending on my other blog, http://theskinnygirlwantsout.wordpress.com.

What I guess didn’t really penetrate through to my brain was that people were going to do just that and that I would have to be accountable to what I had written. WOW! ok. :)

So I got an email from a reader saying she was going to follow my story and that what I had written had really touched her because it was so similar to her own struggle. She said I was an inspiration to her – that’s a little overwhelming to me. I don’t feel like an inspiration but maybe by the end of all of this I will.

So I will continue to write about my ups and downs and would love feedback, advice, ideas or encouragement from my readers. I will continue to post photos for a visual accounting of this journey. I added some this weekend. A couple of more from my skinnier days and one from April 07, when I was going to the gym and following the “Eating for your blood type” eating plan. I had gotten down to 209.

The Biggest Loser Tonight

So I have a weight problem. I have too much of it and don’t know how to get rid of it. I have tried diets, pills, the gym – all the same stuff every fat person says and does. I get a little off and then life comes at me and it all comes back. I have always battled with my weight since my teenager years anyway. Then I birthed four babies – no surprise that for someone prone to heaviness that I got heavy with that. I am also a stress eater. I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink – when I get stressed, what’s left?? I eat. I have a sweet tooth, love to eat and like to nibble while I work on websites at my computer. I also have five kids, a part time real job, and a part time getting off the ground own my own business job. I don’t like to work out at home, don’t have time without kids to work out at the gym or run the stairs on the bridge etc. I’m also a soda junkie. These are the reasons I am fat, overweight, fluffy – whatever you call it. What I think holds me back is that I can’t really figure out why I want to lose weight. My husband likes women with curves, although lately he has been commenting on my lack of ambition in this area. In his defense I think he is doing it because he is tired of me making him watch biggest loser and talking about the success I have seen people have with the lap band surgery and I think he knows deep down that I’m not happy overweight and he is worried about my health. I haven’t ever been worried about my health but lately there are a few signs that make me a little nervous. So because he likes women with curves and I don’t need to impress anyone else, what is the point of losing weight. I hear you saying your health woman your health. I just can’t get all worked up over that right now, just too much else going on.
So herein lies the problem. Why do I want to lose weight. If I don’t need to lose weight so my husband will love me (which I don’t) and it’s not a health thing, if I’m not disgusted when I look in the mirror then why???? There is the million dollar question.
If I am honest with myself, I have to know that I would love to be a size 9 again (that is 80 pounds away) the problem is that I am an attention seeker and when I was a size 9 I was a cocky, promiscious, flirt who wore whatever I thought would turn the most heads and get the most attention.
In my life now, 15 years later, I am a chruch-going, well-loved wife and mother of five. So what if I lost 80 pounds, fit into a size 10 again and reverted back to that crazy wildchild girl I was????? I think what bothers me the most about this line of thought is that I am not confident (or happy enough) being a chruch-going, well-loved mommy that I would event think I would revert to such a thing… I mean why couldn’t I be a size 9 chruch-going, loving and well-loved, well-behaved and perfectly normal mom and wife. Why do I feel I have to be fat to fit into that role and that if I lose weight I will automatically revert?
I want to start a new diet and try working out again – even bought a new video, but I think it is very difficult to start something and be successful at it when you have tried and failed so many other times.
So tonight the battle wears on. Maybe one day I will get the answers and will find success in this endeavor. We’ll see. A quote I imagine will go just about everywhere when I try again, I heard tonight on the Biggest Loser – “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.